


It Comes In Waves

by charlesss



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Anxious Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Panic Attacks, Suicidal Thoughts, Virgil Angst, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-08
Updated: 2018-07-08
Packaged: 2019-06-07 03:23:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,629
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15209810
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/charlesss/pseuds/charlesss
Summary: Virgil shouldn't care that much. He really shouldn't. He should be happy, even, that everyone is getting along (for the most part). But that feeling from before still clings to his skin, hangs on the back of his neck and hides in the dark corners of his mind. And it whispers....A.K.A. - Virgil is dealing with some horrible anxiety, and the other sides notice a bit too late.





	1. The Tide Comes In

He didn't even know why it was bothering him so much. It wasn't a big deal in any sense of the phrase - Patton had been fine, he had been fine, and it took almost no effort for Patton to summon a new mug. The glass was cleared from the floor before Virgil could even blink!

Yet still, for some stupid reason, Logan's disappointed frown and heavy tone still echosed in his mind and flickered behind his closed eyes.

_"Really, Virgil, you should be more careful. You might hurt someone one of these days."_

_~~All you ever do is hurt people.~~ _

_~~Useless waste of space! Nobody needs your "help"~~ _

_~~Why don't you just go back to hiding in your room again?~~ _

_~~Failure.~~ _

_~~Die.~~ _

_~~Die!~~ _

_~~DIE!!~~ _

~~~~Virgil took a shuddering breath in, holding his forearms and jolting forward. He pressed his nails into his skin, hoping it would be enough of a distraction to his mind to make it shut up for a minute. The thoughts didn't stop, and he didn't either.

* * *

"A card game? Really?" Roman pouted as Logan pulled him towards the table. "There are so many other things we could be doing right now."

"While you're not wrong, you fail to realize that we need to partake in more group bonding activities to strengthen the ties of our friendship. If the four of us fight again, it will be nothing less than disastrous for Thomas, as has been proven many times in the past," Logan said matter-of-factly.

"What he said," Patton added after a minute of stunned silence from the trio. "It'll be fun, Roman, I promise."

"Well, if I have to sit through this mess, Virgil should have to as well," Roman offered, finally sitting down next to his friends. 

"Ooh, good idea!" Patton gasped, practically jumping up and down in his chair. Logan nodded and pulled two decks of cards out of the air. 

"Why don't you go get him, Roman?" Logan offered, pulling the cards out of the box to begin shuffling them. 

"Alright," Roman huffed, dramatically pulling himself out of his chair and trudging up the stairs. Logan let out a quiet chuckle before turning his attention back to shuffling. 

"Virgil," Roman said, knocking on his door, "you'd better come out here."

Inside, Virgil shook on his bed. He looked at the foor for a moment, eyes glossy and still. Then they darted back towards his feet. He took a few deep breaths before yelling "alright, be down in a sec!" in a normal-sounding voice. He had long ago perfected the art of keeping a still voice through panic and anxiety attacks, and now all he had to do was hide the tears that had been  ~~and still were~~ streaking down his face. He wiped them away and smeared his eyeshadow around to cover the tracks they'd left.

Roman was waiting outside his door, jaw set to the left as a marker of his impatience. "There you are, chim-chim-cha- _rude,"_ he huffed, leading Virgil down the stairs.

"You up for a game of cards, kiddo?" Patton asked as he reached the living room. Too afraid to say anything else, Virgil nodded and took the open seat in-between Patton and Logan. He almost flinched when Logan passed him his hand, but managed not to just in the nick of time.

"Nice, a joker!" Roman exclaimed, sorting rheothr his cards.

"I got _two_ jokers!" Patton gasped joyously. "I'm so gonna win this hand!"

"You're not supposed to comment on the contents of your hand," Logan reminded sternly. "But if we were to do so, I would say that I have two naturally dealt sets of three, and will clearly be victorious this round."

"You _just_ said not to comment on it," Virgil muttered.

"Yeah, looks like Virgil's the only one following the rules so far," Patton joked, elbowing Virgil in the ribs lightly. Virgil let a smile slip on to his face.

"First time for everything," Roman quipped. Okay, smile gone. Whatever.

"Hey, be nice!" Patton jumped to his defence, but four hands later, the game had descended into the giggle loop, and there was no controlling the fanciful side.

"Hey, no fair!" Roman pouted, and Virgil burst out laughing despite himself.

"I won, you lost, suck it!" he laughed, leaning back in his chair as everyone else went to count their cards.

"15!" Patton said.

"Roman?" Logan inquired, looking up from his notepad.

"A broken heart!"

"That isn't a number," Logan deadpanned. "How many points?"

"T-t-" Roman cut himself off with a bout of giggles.

"Ten? Twenty? Twenty five?" Logan guessed, motioning with his hands for Roman to continue.

"Twenty!" he gasped in response, holding in the rest of his laughter for a minute.

"If I didn't know any better, I'd say he was high," Virgil chuckled.

"Unlike you, I'm clean as bleach," Roman said with a grin. Virgil crossed his arms and looked down, silently cursing the Prince's odd choice of words. "What, can't handle the truth? I'm cooler than youuuuuu," he called in a sing-song tone.

"Shut up," Virgil grumbled in a tone that he hoped sounded good-naturedly. 

"Oh I will, again, unlike you," Roman retorted, but did quiet down for a few minutes as Virgil dealt out twelve cards for everyone.

"Next is two runs and a set of three, right?" Virgil asked, and Logan nodded, an out-of-character loopy grin resting on his face.

"Yep," he replied, popping the p on his lip.

"What d'ya wanna bet that Hot Topic over here stacked the deck, eh?" Roman joked, elbowing Logan in the arm. Virgil frowned, ignoring him as he passed out stacks of cards to the other three players.

"Well, he has been winning more hands than I would usually suspect him to," Logan admitted. "He's won all but the first hand, but I'm sure most of that is luck and skill, not cheating."

Roman was hearing none of it, though. "I think he must he cheating," he laughed. "Nobody could beat me so well, and so much, too, without cheating." Virgil shrank into his chair, not realizing it was more joke than real accusation.

~~_He's right, you know._ ~~

_Is he?_

"I mean, how could someone so clumsy and annoying be such a careful strategist?" Roman laughed, and Patton chuckled too.

~~_They think you're annoying._ ~~

~~_They think you're stupid and clumsy._ ~~

~~_They're right, you know._ ~~

_~~You should just go die and never bother them again.~~ _

_~~Die, die die!!~~ _

~~~~"-gil? Virgil! Virgil, are you okay?" it was Patton's voice that pulled him out of his haze and his concerned looks that met him when he looked his way. "You were zoning out there for a minute."

"Uh, yeah," he said dryly. "Fine. You wouldn't mind if I went and got some water, though, would you...?" Patton shook his head.

"Go ahead, we can wait," he yawned. "Man, it's getting kinda late..."

Virgil shot up and shuffled to the kitchen, pulling a glass from the cupboard and running it under the sink absentmindedly. He squeezed his eyes shut, jerking his hand out of the sink as he thought of the events from earlier in the day.

He shouldn't care that much. He really shouldn't. He should be happy, even, that everyone is getting along (for the most part). But that feeling from before still clings to his skin, hangs on the back of his neck and hides in the dark corners of his mind. And it whispers...

Virgil shuts the water off, feeling cold all of a sudden. He curses when he notices the water that he flung all over himself.

"You okay in there, kiddo? What's the holdup?" Patton calls from the living room. Virgil doesn't answer, just sinks to the floor and shakes at the memory of Logan's voice, the surprise on Patton's face, Roman's laughter, directed at him.

"Man, you're really good at making messes today," Patton jokes as he walks in and noticed the water puddle.

Virgil bursts into tears, not caring about his eyeshadow this time. Not caring about his image. Not caring about the pity that he doesn't want that he knows his tears will bring. Not caring, not caring, not caring!! 

Patton's voice starts up again, but it's muffled. He thinks he hears Roman and Logan, too, but then he's being lifted by at least two pairs of hands, and there's fingers in his hair. He flinches at the touch, and it stops, but starts again once he leans towards it. His useless, obnoxious sobbing never stops, not when he feels arms wrapping around him in a hug, or when voices whisper reassurances in his ear, or when his tears are wiped away by soft, caring fingers.

Not when the world slips away and the tendrils of darkness carry him into unconsciousness, either.

 


	2. The Tide Goes Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You're gonna be okay, I promise."
> 
> Virgil wasn't so sure.

Virgil woke to a softness surrounding his body and a fuzziness in his head that indicated a full night's sleep, something he hadn't had in a long time. He groaned softly at the events of the previous night, wishing he hadn't been so  _stupid_ about it. Now they probably hated him even more for interrupting their card game.

"Hey, you awake yet?" someone asked quietly. Virgil huffed in response, slowly opening his eyes. He quickly wrenched them closed at the unexpected light, but he was sure he caught Roman's face before he did. 

"I'm awake," Virgil said. He waited a few minutes before sitting up and trying to open his eyes again. He appeared to be in Roman's room - in his bed, to be exact. 

_~~You made him take care of you? Pathetic.~~ _

~~~~"I'm sorry," Virgil managed to choke out. Roman looked up at him, eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

"Why-"

"I messed up the game, I messed up the kitchen, and I messed up your fun night by passing out like an idiot," he explained, eyes on Roman's white and gold sheets. They contrasted his dark pyjamas that he hadn't yet realized he was wearing.

"Virgil, no! You didn't mess up anything! Why would you even think that?"

~~_He pities you._ ~~

~~_He doesn't actually care, why would he?_ ~~

~~_He just wants to know what hurts you so he can do it over and over and over._ ~~

~~~~"Logan, he..." Virgil flinched at the memory, and a tear betrayed him, rolling down his right cheek.

"Did Logan do something to you?" Roman asked, his voice low and calm and more angry than Virgil had ever heard before. He swallowed before shaking his head, but it wasn't enough. "I'm going to go.... _talk_ to him," he decided, standing up and walking towards the door. "You're gonna be okay, I promise."

Virgil wasn't so sure. ****

* * *

"I can't imagine why he would be so worked up. Are you absolutely sure we shouldn't talk to Thomas about it?" Logan asked, hovering behind Patton as he flipped some eggs.

 "We should at least wait for him to wake up," Patton responded absentmindedly. "He might be feeling well enough to tell us by then."

"...fair enough, I suppose." Logan stood up and walked towards the table, taking a seat in front of his laptop. 

"Logan, you have one minute to explain why Virgil told me that you're the reason he had a panic attack last night," Roman hissed, seemingly coming out of nowhere. 

"Wait, what?" Logan asked after getting over Roman's miniature jump scare. "He.... He _said_ that?" Logan's voice was no higher than a whisper, but his eyes picked up the slack by widening to the size of dinner plates.

"Well, not exactly," Roman admitted. "But he said that he had messed everything up and I asked why he would think that, and he said _your_ name!" 

"I don't know what he's talking about, Roman, I really don't," Logan said softly, closing his eyes. Had he said something and not realized it? Had he done something and not remembered it? Could all of this be _his_ fault, somehow?

"What about yesterday, in the kitchen?" Patton asked from said room. "You told him to be more careful after he broke my mug, and he kind of ran off in a hurry." Logan gasped.

"Do you think he-"

"Yeah, Lo, I think so." Roman gave him a sad smile and patted him on the arm. "I don't think it was just you. We all have some apologizing to do, myself included."

"Well, let's get to it, then."

* * *

"Virgil, can we come in?" Roman asked from outside the door.

"Uh, y-yeah!" Virgil called back, silently cursing his slight stutter. The door swung open, and a determined-looking Roman walked in with a nervous Logan and Patton in tow. 

"I'm so sorry, Virgil." Logan was the first one to speak up. Virgil's eyebrows furrowed and his mouth opened to protest; why would Logan be apologizing? It was he who was in the wrong, not Logan! 

"You don't have to-"

"No, I do! I made you upset. I made you feel like you didn't matter, like you had messed up. You matter so much, Virgil. You are so important, so wonderful, and I made you forget that." Logan took a deep breath, then got down on his knees next to his friend. "I was wrong. You don't have to be more careful, or worry about hurting anyone. You should just focus on being happy, and if I get in the way of that, please tell me." 

"Um, thank you," Virgil whispered blinking away some confusion. "I guess I needed to hear that."

"Can I give you a hug?" Logan asked, swaying awkwardly. Virgil took a moment to decide, finally accepting the offer and relaxing in Logan's surprisingly warm embrace.

"I, too, need to apologise," Roman said after Logan had stepped away from the hug. "I was very rude last night, and I didn't even think about how you might take it."

"I was just twisting your words in my head," Virgil protested. "That was my fault, I overreacted."

"Even if you _had_ overreacted - which you didn't - I was still rude. You interpreted my words in a much different way than I had intended them, but it was my fault for not thinking of it like that," Roman paused, looking Virgil in the eye for a moment. "I'm sorry, Virgil."

"Oh," he muttered as Roman wrapped his arms around him in his second hug of the morning.

"I should apologise, too, kiddo," Patton said with a soft smile. "I didn't notice that you weren't feeling that great, and I didn't think anything of it when you ran off the other day. I should've gone after you and asked if you were okay, but I didn't. I'm sorry, Virge." 

"It's okay," Virgil assured him. "I'm okay now, so it's okay."

"It isn't okay!" Patton exclaimed, kneeling as if to prepare for a hug like the other sides before him. "We were massive jerks to you, kiddo. We didn't notice you were suffering, and instead made it worse for you."

"But-"

"No buts! We messed up, not you," he said, pulling Virgil into his third hug. "We all need to do better, though. Us three at noticing when things are too much for you, and you at telling us if we don't notice or make things worse."

"Okay," Virgil whispered, fresh tears sliding down his face.

It would take awhile for things to start to improve, and they would never really get better, but it was a start. There would be hard days and happy days and in-between days that would often end in tears. But for every wave of hurt that crashed over Viril, his friends, no, _family_ would be there to make the tide go out.

You can't stop the rain from falling, but you can bring an umbrella just in case. After all, what is family for?


End file.
